god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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