What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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