It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
50% drunk capacity currently
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
