Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
