none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
