i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
