I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
