hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
