Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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