Taylor Swift is so right about you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
