I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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