Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
