Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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