if you like me you must not know who I am
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
