She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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