yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
