so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
