One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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