She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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