I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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