The best revenge is premature balding
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
