i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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