carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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