i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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