I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
