you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you didnt know i had herpes?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Come on in and take your pants off
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