Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child