are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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