I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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