Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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