well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
