Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
