2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
