He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
