Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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