guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
