the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
