I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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