We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
