You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
