I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Randomize
