So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
