someone threw a dead crab at me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
