Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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