It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
