I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
