what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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