how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
