my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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