So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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