This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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