sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
