Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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