if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
