So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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