I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
