My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
